... another day down and closer to what? ...
Christmas? Without my boys coming home this year.. it will be a like a part of my heart is missing... but gotta try my best for Tink.. she's only 7 and she deserves a great Christmas.
I find myself often looking back and wondering where the whole past year went to, yet, wishing the new year would hurry up and get here. Not quite sure why... it's not like New Year=Better Year .. just wishing my life away I suppose. I wish I could just live in and for the moment. How great would life be if each moment were treasured and enjoyed? Not wishing it was Christmas or wishing it was payday or wishing wishing wishing our lives away?
I think I spend too much time isolated. Hubby works-so he goes to bed early.. totally understandable.. but even on his days off he's in bed by 9 .. I miss when we used to spend days off watching movies, going out and being sociable just doing ANYTHING but sitting inside the house :(
None of my friends ever want to get together.. always too much going on with their own families.. same with family...
I'm ready for a change. Not a subtle change, like a BIG change .. something to make me feel alive again!
Seems I'm always thinking of everyone else and doing for everyone else, but seldomly does anyone think to do for me or think of me.
When hubby wants new clothes, he gets them.. when I want new clothes, I spend hours searching in store or online-usually deciding against something I love because I'm worried about the cost, yet he doesn't give a 2nd thought to spending almost $200 on clothes.. I spent barely $100 and I'm freaking out because I know Christmas is right around the corner and that is money better spent on our children, who in my opinion, are more important.
I want a new haircut, a new color, highlights...
I want a car of my own (even if he gets a vehicle and leaves me with the van we have now). I want to have the option to come and go as I please.
I want stability.. I want to be able to fall asleep at night not worrying about where the next week's groceries are coming from or weather this bill or that bill will be able to be paid.
I want peace in my life and in my soul. Sometimes I think the only way I can have that peace is being alone. When there's "someone" else, I always put myself last. I'm tired of always being put last, by myself and everyone else in my life.
I guess I just want too much...
Maybe someday I can be at peace before I'm laying in a box, 6ft under.
G'night & Sweet Dreams LJ